Chasing a dream..

Somewhere deep within, in between the long and tedious journey of life, I sheltered a dream.. a dream that got nurtured with the seeds of time and grew with me.. however, I grew faster and the dream, comparatively, became smaller and smaller until one day I completely forgot its existence.

I’ve been doing, or rather being forced to do a lot of thinking these days. Thinking about all the whats and wheres and how it would have been if.. and somewhere I revisited my old world of dreams. Now when I look back, I feel there’s only one thing that I lacked..COIURAGE to realize my dreams, COURAGE to acknowledge what these dreams mean. I was lost between my efforts to succeed, in the parlance that the commoners in the society would term it to be, on one hand while on the other I was trying to find happiness through everyone who I loved and who came my way.

However, standing at 31 I feel I’ve almost spent half my life living everyone else’s dreams but my own. I’m standing here going through the roughest patch of my existence, there are times when I feel like breaking down. But no, I do not wish to speak of any part of it, coz they do not comfort me any more. I’ve accepted these painful aspects of my life as an integral part. However, these moments have forced me to rethink of all the philosophies and guidelines I followed all these years.

I do not know if this feeling would remain long enough for me to realize them. But yes, I acknowledge I wish to take one step at a time, every free minute I have, towards making them come true. I wish to be the young starry eyed child with a million dreams and aspirations..one who had the courage to face the world and show the middle finger…who was utterly fearless, uninhibited, free from the shackles and bondages of the society. I wish to rediscover that side of me.

I’m garnering all my strength to fight against this tide that pulls me towards coming back to reality. But no, swim I will, against this tide and prove to myself that if the heart and soul wishes, there’s nothing that cannot be achieved.

Goa….deja vous

Reached Goa around 6PM.. hotel is decent.. Passing through the same lanes that Prashant & I crossed through, going to the same places (read Kentuckee) brings in a lot of memories. It’s almost as if I’m trying to be strong at the expense of my own sanity. But that’s what strong people are meant to fdo…right??

Went to Kentuckee (at Colva) in the evening … one place where you have a live band play each evening. Spent some good time..and thought a lot about the last time I was here (but shook myself outta it since it was just not helping)..things WERE so very different, and here I am standing at a juncture where I myself cant see what future has in store for us..

Anyways, we had a good time..stayed till around 11:30..downed a couple of beers, got a song dedicated to me, Shilpa, dad and mom by I-don’t-know-who..and came back. I’m still hearing the songs streaming through my window (incidentally kentuckee is right opposite to the hotel where we’re putting up).. I’ll be awake as long as the songs keep coming in…

But how do I stop myself from thinking…feeling..being human.. i know not.

Off on a vacation…

Finally a long weekend..really needed a break…some time away from the chaos of routine life. Am off to Goa, taking some time off for myself. Need some thinking time..time to do some self introspection. Time to ask questions and find answers. I really hope my mind is clearer by the time I’m back.

Somewhere I wish I could do something to put this restleness and turbulence within me to rest for a while. It almost seems like my mind clock is ticking 24 hours with thoughts I wish I could block. I’m off to find some peace..

Am at a hotel in Kolhapur, doing a night stay.. will start off tomorrow morning for Goa. Will write in tomorrow. For today was just another routine day.

Friends..

Always loved them…but somewhere down the line-lost contact with most of them over all these years.

Until now. I met Sreeja after 10years..we had studied together in college..stayed in the same hostel…did some crazy stuff (me, Sreeja, Gargi & Soni –called ourselves the “vela” gang –since we were the only ones sans boyfriends, and religiously celebrated “Vela”ntines day every year)..had a whole lotta fun. After college, we were in touch for some time..we even met up a few times while she was in Mumbai and I was in Pune…but then somewhere we (or maybe it was I) drifted.. She continued to stay in touch with everyone..sharing joys and tears..building her own world filled with so much fun!

Today, even after 10years..she knows who’s where, doing what..and is constantly in touch. She gave me an earful for not keeping contact and told me in clear terms (through all my funny excuses!) that if I really wanted to do it, I would do it – no matter what. And maybe she was right..somewhere it rang a bell and old memories filled my mind. Our circumstances and ages had changed, but we still are the same crazy girls that we were years back.

I got back..and logged into my orkut account, and started responding to all the scraps, accepted some friend requests, and for a change – sent some too. I’d lie if I say I’ve started to enjoy it..since I’ve always found mails and internet to be an “impersonal” and “lifeless” medium. However, when I think of all that I can gain (read old friends) by getting this to be a habit..I suddenly start feeling a lot better.

By the way, I called up another old friend of mine from college..and felt very nice about it.

 Through the worst of times..this is giving me a feeling of comfort. Gargi, Sreeja, Soni…are you listening??

Times – are they getting better?

I was just trying to clear up my very-cluttered-room sometime last weekend..throwing away all the old-time junk when I came across a fairly heavy but familiar packet. Couldn’t resist my temptation and re-opened it. Loved the smell of old cards and letters…memories wrapped in a collection of different colored envelopes..pens..and handwritings.

Each card/letter brought back a different memory from a different time. Seeing all the “Get well soon”, “best wishes” cards from the year 1995, I was thrown back to the time when I was a girl of 17, lying in the hospital bed after an accident, discovering what it meant to be strong.. by body was broken, but not my spirit..and thankfully I had all my loved ones around me..

My Birthday cards from 1997..me all of 19 years…  two similar cards, one from Lucknow and the other from Pune…one from dad and the other from Mom and sis…telepathy, I thought, was the only answer, upon receiving the same card from people who were so far apart, physically..maybe they weren’t so, mentally.

Letters from family, friends…cards..so many wishes and thoughts. The anticipation of receiving a letter when you are so far from home. I started to wonder when was the last time I had that feeling…knowing that a letter has been depatched and would be there in your hands in the next (very agonizing) 2-3 days

In these times of “advanced technology”, we send emails, egreetings, IMs..no longer is there the necessity to wait, to have something to look forward to. Guess we don’t have the time anymore. We do not need to pen down our thoughts…it’s already there in the ecards..we just fill in the “to” and “from” and send it across…it’s all customised…the “touch” and “feel” factor has long lost its charm. We have mobile phones and sms’es…no long queues to wait for making that one call. Children know all the computer games…XBoxes and what not…but when was the last time that they went to a playground to run around and get dirty?

Guess that’s the reason why we no longer appreciate the value of being together..or the value of communication…there’s too much of it everywhere coming in too easy.. Makes me think…are we all getting closer or moving apart? Are the times really getting better, or we’re just  living in a pseudo world that thinks it is so..

Happy New Year

A new year…new beginnings…new habits. Time to return to doing things I love the most..one of them being writing. A passion that I lost touch with for so long..it almost seems like an unfamiliar territory now. I hope I find my familiarity soon..